There are very few actions parents might take (or fail to take) that would cause me to judge them. On the whole, I believe we’re all just trying to do the best job we can under what can be incredibly trying circumstances. So I grant parents lots of leeway and hope that they do the same for me.
But once in a while, I do judge. Because once in a while there is reason to judge.
Or is there? I’ll let you decide.
The other day one of my boys came home from school to tell me that during recess three or four classmates had been discussing an upcoming birthday party. My son knows that during school hours he should refrain from mentioning a birthday party to which he’s been invited, just in case another kid within earshot didn’t make the invite list and consequently feels left out. So he remained silent during the conversation. And lo and behold, it turned out that one of the boys in the group hadn’t been invited to this particular party. According to my son, the kid looked first perplexed, and then stunned.
Every boy in the grade but two had been invited.
I was hopping mad. If you don’t want to have certain children at your party, then invite only a few kids. If you plan to invite 22 out of 24 boys, invite them ALL.
I do blame the parents of the birthday boy for this one. What on earth were they thinking?
And what do YOU think?
I agree with you, that sure doesn’t sound right to me. But, who would want 22 boys at a party anyway, they must be nuts
That is so wrong. My kids have gone to schools that had policies against this. I didn’t mind the policy, because it seems like common sense and good manners that you would either invite only a couple of kids or the whole class.
Another blogger posted about how she disliked these policies, and I was shocked at how many commenters defended the rights of parents to leave kids out.
http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/2008/10/bad-policy.html
That is too bad. I think that is very tacky and rude of those parents to do that.
Another thing I don’t like is when kids hand out invitations to parties in class…even if they are only inviting a few kids.
Sounds pretty unfair to me, but then I get thinking and wonder why? what is the full story? why why why. Maybe it was an honest oversight, maybe they made the invit list from memory, but then again maybe the parents should have approached the school for a full list of students, is there a ‘privacy issue here. I can only hope that it was an honest oversight that was eventually bought to the parents attention and they could add the two other children to the party list.
There are many reasons why a child may be left out of a party, so without knowing the whole story, it’s hard to judge. I know, we’ve been on the uninvited side before and it hurts. And believe me, I was hopping mad too, before I sat and thought about it in depth.
It’s hard – I know -we just went through it recently with my oldest – she wasn’t invited to a good friends party because they had to limit the amount of kids (it was a sleepover) and my daughter was one of 2-3 girls in her class who didn’t get invited. She was crushed. But we talked about it.
http://mylife-whirlwind.blogspot.com/2008/11/left-out.html
When we had her party two weeks ago, we invited all 14 kids in her class, even the one kid she wasn’t fond of inviting (there’s a long story here, and it was supposed to have been posted on another blog but never was). I explained that we had the room and there was no way she was leaving one kid in her class uninvited. We invited him, but he never came anyway.
Yeah, that’s pretty jerky.
We’re in a bit of the same situation here – my daughter has a small class, with six girls in total. She is friends with three of the girls, and is bullied by yet another and likes the other one well enough but the girl steals and has some other serious personal issues. So on her birthday, what to do we do? We’re not comfortable inviting two out of the five other girls in her class, and yet we don’t want to be the parents who leave children out of something. It’s pretty tricky.
Well, hmm. I’m conflict-avoidant, so I don’t want to be the voice of descent–and to that I’ll add that I do not have school-aged children–but… there are aches and pains in life. There is rejection and humiliation. I remember this happening regularly when I was a child, mostly to me, because I was an out of neighborhood transfer and the only black kid in the class.
No, it doesn’t feel good to be left out–not when you’re a kid and not when you’re an adult (and believe me, I still get left out–a lot). Protective parenting can spare many a childhood ache, but those aches are ten times bigger when we reach adulthood. How would I be able to handle these small rejections as an adult if the adults of my childhood had protected me by instituting policies that ensured I was never left out? How would I cope with not being invited to a co-worker’s party for the first time when I’m 30?
Inviting all 24 boys would have been nice. It would have made everyone feel included; but maybe those two boys are awful to be around and actually had potential to distract from or ruin the party. If I’m hosting an event to celebrate my child’s life, why would I want to include someone who wouldn’t add to the celebration? Does the fact that this someone is a child truly change things?
I am so glad I am not up to this part yet with my babies. I think this is a tough one. I would not want my children to feel obligated to invite children that were not kind or nice to them, and I would not want a parent to feel obligated to invite my child to something where he or she was not really wanted, but then again, children are just that, children. I hate the idea that a little guy was left out, surprised, and sad by it. Tough one.
there is no excuse for poor behavior
I agree with you. This is not only hurtful, but what exactly is she teaching her child by this behavior. Children can be unjustly cruel at times, learning to ostracize someone other than trying to appreciate everyone for whatever personality they may have is…the beginning of the making of a bully.
I can speak freely on this subject as I was hearing impaired growing up (I’m now deaf). The parents themselves encouraged the kids not to have anything to do with me. I didn’t have a contagious disease, I had a heart and it was hurt mercilessly. It also built me into the person I am today, accepting of what a person is. Yes, I do think judgment in this case is justified. I’m glad you have taught your sons differently. (Hugs)Indigo
Yeah, that’s not right. Although, is it possible that there was a screw-up with the list or the invites?
Do the two left-out boys seem like random choices, or are they the “losers” in the class – the one who sucks his thumb and the one who gets beaten up after school? If it’s the latter, I want those parents’ blood.
The only reason this is ‘jerky’ is because you’re inviting a whole horde of kids already. 2 more, big whoop when you’re talking about 22 or 24 boys. This particular situation is wrong…
HOWEVER.. If the class only has 6 (like pp said), why should you feel ‘obligated’ to invite all six to a sleepover party if you aren’t comfortable with two people. If you were hosting a party and inviting some people from work, would you invite the sleezy jerk to keep from ‘hurting his feelings?’ I get that it sucks to be the kid that gets their feelings hurt — I was that kid often enough. HOWEVER, it is also a learning lesson for the kids. If you don’t learn how to deal with that pain as a kid, you’ll never learn how to deal with similar stuff as a grown up.
ALSO… Why are we inviting hordes of kids to a birthday party? It seems crazy to me to spend so much money on a birthday party. I may change my views as my toddler gets older, but I’m not sure. Small, intimate birthday parties with a few close friends are all the kids need. They don’t need 25 to 50 kids showing up with gifts, and huge blow-outs. But then, I’m crabby and mean, and may as well be 90 because I think small is better and helps to grow a child who is grateful for the little things instead of expecting some huge lavish celebration for every little milestone.
Not right, no way.
I despise children’s birthday parties. They are too much work, focused too much on getting stuff and someone is always disappointed.
This is why my daughter didn’t have a b-day party last year. She wanted to invite like 90% of the kids in her class. I said either all the kids, all the girls, or just a few boys/girls–or a special outing with just ONE friend. Lucky for me, she picked the latter.
That is not right. Whether you like the child or not, this is where empathy for others feelings are lacking in our childrens educations. We must teach our kids that there are times they will not like someone but this does not negate that persons feelings. Such a huge pet peeve of mine. It scares me that my children are facing a generation of peers that are not empathetic to each other.
Oh now that is sad. I hope that it was a mistake.
Definitely mean. If you are having a frankly huge party what is 2 more? I can understand not inviting everyone in a class but I think if you are inviting 50% or more of a class then you need to invite all. It is horrid to be left out particularly if there are only a few children. My eldest was left out of a group of 8 girls when she was 4 and only knew because the party giver told her she wasn’t invited. I was devastated. She on the other hand didn’t seem to mind.
Unfortunatly life is full of good times and bad. We all have to learn to face disappointment at some time and i don’t think it is healthy or appropriate to continue to shelter our children from the “real world” that they are going to have to live in. isn’t it better to work with them to learn how to deal with situations now, when they are under our roof, than to falsly “protect” them from situations that they are eventually going to have to learn to deal with. Get over it and move on, who would want to be invited to a party where they weren’t wanted and who would want their child to be in “that” situation anyway!
With my kids the invites were the neighbours, not the classmates. The only year we made a distinction was the chicken pox year, as the birthday girl had them. Kids who had had the pox were invited for the whole (in the backyard) party and those who had not were handed cake and favours over the fence. The party went into the neighbourhood collective memory as the chickenpox party, but none of the kids seemed upset.
Wow. Such great comments. Thank you. While I appreciate Yolanda’s (and others’) point about kids learning important lessons younger rather than when it’s too late, and about parents not overprotecting their children so much that they never learn what it is to suffer rejection, I have to side with the commenters who argued that it’s because of the size of the party (which, I agree, is WAY too large) that the exclusions seem particularly egregious — because they’re unnecessary. If you invite 22 kids to a party and leave out only 2, what you are suggesting is that there must be something scarily wrong with those 2. Because once there are 22 kids at a party, who’d even notice 2 more?
And Bea, one of the excluded kids IS routinely picked on, but the other isn’t — he’s just quiet.
huh. 22 out of 24. That does seem wrong. I wonder what’s underneath that. There has to be something, right or wrong.
However, there are some places and times when things happen that we don’t realize as parents. My daughter invites four girls to her birthday because we go somewhere out of town. That’s the only number of seats we can transport safely. That’s it. Oh, it’s not really it but there do seem to sometimes be worthy reason.
This situation though seems strange.
That stinks. I had that happen with the little girl I was a nanny for a few years ago. She didn’t even realize she wasn’t invited until the little girl changed her mind the day of and invited her (only to be told by the b-day girl’s mom she couldn’t go because they’d only booked for a certain number of kids). That was fun to explain!
I was the girl who was left out of everything and once, when I was 14, a person who I thought was my friend handed me an invite to her party. It turned out she wanted me to give it to my sister and her mom made her invite me too. I felt awful and wouldn’t have gone, except my mom made me go. When I look back to my childhood, I never want to go back to that. As with many previous posters, 22 out of 24 does seem really stupid. If you have that many, what’s 2 more? Give me a break!
The Poo had her first party this year, and every kid in her class was invited. Even the ones she isn’t closer to, and even though it was $12.50 a kid.
Wrong.
And kids’ parties suck. Not sure I’ll do another.
rude and tacky, all around
Parents, as former kids, should know, it’s this kind of stuff that stays with you a lifetime. Damn. I am so sorry.
Oh that is awful! That poor boy