The Poo started preschool recently, and despite some bumps, her transition to this new routine has been remarkably smooth.
Because she attends a cooperative school, I am required to work in her classroom once a month. I had my first experience there last week, and I had a chance to observe 12 other two-year-olds. Some of them have just turned two, while others, like The Poo, are on the tail end of this developmental stage.
I’ve often had occasion to revel in The Poo’s intelligence. She speaks remarkably well for a child her age, and she is already trying to spell letters and write her own name. Her frustration when she cannot accomplish these tasks tells me two things: she wants to get it right, and she knows her efforts aren’t making that happen.
She also learned shapes, colors and counting early on, giving me no end of smug satisfaction at my own ability to produce a smart child.
But when I saw all the kids drinking from Dixie cups last week, and The Poo demanded her sippy cups repeatedly, or when she refused to even try a taste of a new food during snack time, I saw in stark relief my own failures to nurture her development.
It didn’t help that another mother in the class gave a me a very negative assessment of my child’s personality.
All of a sudden, I am questioning where she is on the bell curve.
My daughter will be three in December, and she refuses to drink from a regular cup. She still sleeps in her crib. She needs me to sit with her until she falls asleep. She eats only waffles, bananas, macaroni and cheese, fries, grilled cheese and chicken strips.
She won’t play by herself for more than 15 minutes. She needs my full attention all the time. This behavior is such a hindrance that I am forced to hire a babysitter just to clean the house.
She can count, but she rushes through so she makes mistakes. She often pretends she doesn’t know the answer to a question, or gives the wrong one on purpose. She is not potty trained.
On a recent trip to a natural setting with a friend, she cried and sat down, refusing to walk one more step. She cried every time a playmate came near her, or yelled playfully. I know she wasn’t feeling well – her severe allergies were triggered by the leaves and other flora on the trails we walked – but I was embarrassed nonetheless by what I perceived as her lack of maturity.
Other children her age or younger do not behave this way. The kids she plays with and interacts with at school seem to have a level of maturity that my girl does not possess.
And you know what? It sucks to see your child’s faults. Because it seems to me that these quirks, these “faults,” are a result of my parenting. Somewhere along the line, I did not teach her these things.
So I sit and I cry and I think, “I am holding her back.”
by A.L. Hatch
[tags]kids, children, parents, rearing, learning, growing, growth, maturity, school, evaluation, progress, responsibility[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by |ash|, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
I’m not sure how you think you are holding her back…I think sometimes parents are responsible and sometimes kids just really develop at different times and rates. If she is still drinking from a bottle after you’ve tried and tried and tried — if she is still sleeping in a crib because you need to know she can’t get out — then it’s what works for your family. I took the pacifier away from my daughter when I was ready to deal with the aftermath. She was over 3.
She’s just like Lizzy.
Ah, Poo can do things that make my jaw drop open because it will be YEARS before H will sit still to paint the way she does. H could run a marathon before he could paint with a palatte and a little cup of water.
Just wait until you get a letter saying she is in danger of failing the first quarter of Kindergarten, then you can join me and we will drink heavily and fling ourselves off the nearest bridge.
My husband does this all the time when we are out: other kids behave better and are smarter than ours. I like to think that our kids are smart on their own terms. And what is normal, anyway? I, also, know that those other kids probably just finished the biggest and most hellish tanturm before they entered the public place.
All kids have their faults, but we tend to focus more on our own. I think that woman that gave you grief was simply displaying the art of making herself feel better about her own kid. Because while you are wondering why your child won’t drink from a sippy cup another mother is wondering why her kid can’t understand colors.
Good Luck.
Amy, I think I feel like neglect to teach her these fundemental things. Because it is easier for me to let those things go – like her refusal to drink from a cup that doesn’t have a valve – than to fight the battle.
But writing essays like these always steel me for the battle, so to speak. For instance, we’ve gotten away from our dinner routine because of some late nights w/o my husband and visits from family.
The Poo has been allowed to eat in the family room on the couch with the TV on a number of times, so the adults could have some peace and visit.
I know, I know! Bad Mommy! But this week we are retraining that we eat at the table with no TV. And it is working.
I just need to find the right frame of mind to take on the tasks. And sometimes, I just don’t think about stuff like the cup. Because I don’t see other kids, and so it just becomes routine.
All I know for sure is that this parenting gig is HARD, man. And some days I can do it with my eyes closed. Other days, I want to close my eyes and hide from all the carnage.
As always, thank you all for your kind support. This is exactly why I blog.
xoxoxox
Honestly, I see no “Bad Mommy” here. Yeah, none of us are perfect, and we all screw up our kids on some level, but you’re no worse than the rest of us amateur parents. Raising kids is hard, and the more earnest you are about it, the harder it is. And there will be more screw-ups. My kids are now 15 and nigh-12 and I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. Yet I love them unconditionally and they seem to be growing up just fine. Not perfect (Perfect Is Boring), but pretty darned amazing. So as long as you love them, and you really do seem so very dedicated to that, then they’ll grow up just fine.
All kids develop at their own rates–this is always starkly obvious to me when I watch my own two kids. My daughter is verbally nowhere near where my son was at her age, yet she is much more social and advanced in other ways.
Don’t despair–you are doing–intuitively–what is right. Let her develop in the important ways, Dixie cups and potties will follow inevitably.
Oh, baby. My son is three days away from ten, and he STILL only eats five foods. They all do what they want to do when they want to do it.
Your influence is less than you believe, I think. Is that good, or bad? I’m not sure.
Poo sounds perfectly normal to me.
Children do different things at different times. She does seem like a remarkably, bright girl who is concentrating on intellect right now instead of coordination things (like the cup) Children seem to be either working on physical things or mental things but not at the same time (just my theory).
Peer pressure will soon rear its head in a positive way. She will look around and think “Hey, I need to ditch the sippy cup”
From my many years of experience with parenting, grandparenting and working with small children I have one piece of advice—RELAX!!!!!
It’s all about the endgame anyway and how they turn out as adults. Will it really make a difference five years from now that she was using a sippy cup at 3? Even one year from now? Probably not.
She’s your kid and you’re raising her your way because YOU are the expert on her. Pick the battles that you want to win, and don’t worry about the rest. It’ll come in time.
As to the assessment: who uses the word petulant in casual conversation??? That’s something this woman had to think about. Pretty small-minded, spending your time thinking up mean words about a 2yo.
She won’t go to college and drink beer out of a sippy cup.
She won’t be in diapers in the 5th grade.
She won’t throw tantrums and refuse to walk across the stage when she is accepting her PhD in Biochemistry.
And you won’t be serving chicken strips and waffles at her wedding.
Relax. She’s not even 3 yet. She is advanced in many ways, but she’s not in others. That’s normal. Kids all develop differently, and it’s not your fault. And it’s not necessarily because of you that she’s advanced as she has–you give her the best chance you can, but it’s in the genes, baby. You can influence, but you can’t cause it or force it. (And those that do have kids that hate them when they’re adults.) We try, but it’s a huge combination of factors that make a child learn, and it is rather egotistical of the teacher to think it’s just them that makes it happen.
Do your best, celebrate her strengths and help her with her weaknesses. She’ll get them. After all, she hasn’t even been alive 1000 days yet–give her time.
And give yourself time, too. You’re doing fine.
Actually, if she’s anything like her father, you might be serving chicken strips and waffles at her wedding.
My Sister is right about the chicken strips and waffles. Which is why it frightens me so.
No way! You are not holding her back! This is exactly what preschool is about. They learn about maturity and potty training and drinking from sippy cups from watching each other. Give her some time. You are going to see big changes coming. (My son is still in diapers, needs me to sit with him to sleep and eats six things, but there are too many positive things for me to list here that he has learned AWAY from me.)
Hey, the Poo sounds perfectly normal to me. Hollis just turned 3 and he still has a paci. We only let him have it at bedtime but still, you should see the look of horror we get from other parents. He’s potty trained (as of 2 months ago) but not as comfortable in new situations or with new people as most kids his age. He knows the alphabet, but he doesn’t recognize many letters and he always gets his colors wrong. In some ways, the Poo is light years ahead of him. Every child has their strengths.
Oh & H&H only eat like 5 or 6 foods too.
I think we all have those worries every so often, especially when in a place or situation that allows us to compare.
My daughter is six months younger than most of the kids in her preK class, and sometimes it really bothers me that those six months seem to make such a difference, especially when it comes to emotional maturity and self-confidence.
I’m glad you brought this up. I’ve been trying to post on it, but couldn’t figure out how to articulate what I’m feeling. You did it so much better.
Gee I had to catch up reading your blog, my bloglines subscription wasn’t updating. I changed subscriptions so hopefully it works now.
Easier said than done, but don’t worry about those things. Kids “get” things in their own sweet time. Most likely in 6 month’s time you’ll look back and wonder what you were worried about.
La Reveuse said it best… ‘she won’t be drinking beer from a sippy cup and she won’t be in diapers in the 5th grade.’ My mother kept telling me these pearls of wisdom when I was trying to break my 2 1/2 yo from her pacifier. We’re now way beyond the paci. My girls are 6 1/2 and 4 (tomorrow:) and they’re doing great. They still have issues that baffle me and accomplishments that impress me.
One piece of advice about losing the sippy- do it a piece at a time. Maybe allow it first thing in the am and before bed for comfort reasons but not during the day. It’s a good way to transition. It will work out and it’s of NO concern. Good luck with all!
*shakes head*
No, you are not. She is a kid, and kids go through these stages. She is a beautiful, well adjusted kid who is the product of a beautiful, hardworking mom and dad.
No! No! You’re not holding her back! She sounds so smart and precious and just unique, is all.
You bring me back to when one of my daughters was six, and it was so painfully clear she was not socially where she needed to be – not by a mile. Now, years later, she is a butterfly.
Kids do things on their own quirky trajectory…she sounds wonderful.
Hmm, just sounds like she’s two to me! Sounds pretty normal. And don’t say that other kids don’t act this way, because they all do from time to time.
I was nervous about the dixie cups when we stated preschool, but it was good that mine was forced to use them and it didn’t take long. Yes, she still spills from time to time and, yes, we use sippy cups at home when we have drinks. No big deal.
And most of the kids in our 2′s class potty trained at some point in the school year or over the summer before the 3′s. We only have one 3 who is still in diapers and he’s almost there.
Don’t fear. Preschool is where she is going to learn some of the things that you think she’s behind on (but she’s really not behind). That’s why you send her to preschool-to develop and to get someone else’s perspective. Otherwise, there wouldn’t such things as schools.
And, you can’t expect her to be ahead of the curve on everything. Some things she’s going to do fast and somethings she’s going to do right on schedule or even a little slower. It’s ok.
Don’t be hard on yourself. They all even out.
Y’know, I’ve been thinking about this more and more: I take issue with Hatch’s school system. Could they not have the common sense to provide this kind of feedback in a more palatable way? I mean, if my kid gets a straight-ahead evaluation from a teacher, that’s ok, because she’s in *Middle School* – but when your kid is in preschool… I mean, we all went through some type of worry – Is my little one ok compared to others? The school should have presented it differently, imho.
And again, A. L., get off your own back. You’ve got enough trouble with others judging your parenting (as most adults judge most parenting results), you don’t need to jump on the pile. Tell you what, make a list of all the accomplishments your child has achieved, and then a second list that contains any perceived shortcomings. See for yourself if the accomplishments list isn’t at least 4 times as long.
Oh hon, you’re breaking my heart. I want to run up and hug you and let’s talk about all the great things of our SMART kids.
She’s very smart. Probably gifted, given that she already knows numbers, letters, counting, trying to write, etc. Highly intelligent kids….well, they are simply different and it isn’t anything you’re doing.
Drinking from a sippy cup….no big deal. Honestly. It isn’t. Remember the bigger picture of life. Sippy cups aren’t a part of the picture.
You’re doing great. And you are not holding her back. This is why I HATE HATE HATE all of the parenting books telling us exactly when certain “milestones” should occur. It puts so much pressure on us for things that do NOT matter.
Hang in there!
Oh Mrs. Chicken – take heart. The Poo sounds so bright and able; I’m impressed. But I do understand what it is like to see areas your kid needs to grow in. Zack had many developmental delays and health problems until about 2 years ago. I see areas where I didn’t succeed, the way I will do stuff for him instead of teaching him to do for himself out of habit. We are doing some retraining now and it sucks. I see changes, I see growth. Woohoo.
So I hope you ease up yourself. You and The Poo are going to be just fine. (You know what? That encounter at the preschool didn’t help…other moms can really exacerbate these feelings. I’m so sorry you had a crappy experience early on.)
It seems counter intuitive to me to even believe that there is a *norm* for most of the stuff you have described. Maybe I feel that way because Ethan is so far from that norm…that it’s practically some abstract concept to me as a parent. When I read about Poo girl’s accomplishments, I’m just toally floored. She is not even 3 years old yet? Wow.
Sippy cups are SO not a big deal! I am really glad to hear that you are not one of these “cry it out” parents. My kids aren’t afraid of the dark, and will sleep ANYWHERE. Try saying “oh sweetie, I just have to go to the bathroom” and go out for 10 seconds. Get her used to the idea that you will ALWAYS come when she calls. That way, it isn’t so scary! Oh, and fold your laundry on the floor, while you’re waiting for her to fall asleep!
It doesn’t end. For me, it’s seeing the other 7-8 year olds who can manage to sit and do their work without being duct taped to their desks. Sorry, but it’s good to remember that EVERY parent has or has had these thoughts. If they haven’t then the either will or they are lying.
Like everyone has said: kids are so different. That’s it. My mom’s words of wisdom echo in my brain daily: It’s just a phase.
You won’t be in her dorm room hushing her to sleep or helping her put the valve in her cup.
You know she’s thriving. You know she’s smart. You know there are plenty of kids who can’t do the things that the Poo does so well… because kids are different.
Put your feet up and remember we’re all dealing with the same issues.
What Aliki and Slouching Mom said. I wish I got here early enough to say it myself.
It is so hard to resist the urge to compete through our children. As the parent of an 18 year old now attending her first choice college, I can only echo the advice to relax, cut yourself a lot of slack and trust your instincts. I am such a “bad mother” that my daughter slept with a binky through kindergarten. She was a great kid then and she is a lovely young woman now. Poo will be the same.
My youngest child is 4 1/2 (will be 5 in March).
He still gets his first glass of milk of the day in a sippy cup. We gradually took away the sippy cups – hiding them in a box – and he could only use the ones that were clean. If he asks for a sippy cup later it is always “dirty”.
He hasn’t regularly slept in his crib in more than a year, but it didn’t come out of his room until this week (in the past whenever I said I was taking it out he would sleep in it for a week.)
It took a year to potty train him (starting at age 3, and there’s still an occasional accident).
He still only knows a couple of letters.
Sounds to me like your daughter is ahead of the game.
But if anyone does know how to force your child to be more mature, please let me know. My husband wants to change my son from an airplane-watching, clover-picking soccer player to a focused and competetive athlete. If anyone knows how to do this without years of therapy bills in the future, I want to hear about it!
oh geez louise… you are being far too hard on yourself and the poo… kids develop at different rates so it’s very difficult to base what your child is doing on other kids her age are doing. and i don’t think you can necessarily call her behavior faults either. she has her own unique personality and she’ll play with other children when she’s ready, drink from a cup when she’s ready, get on the potty when she’s ready and all that… i think sometimes we over think things and worry too much! she sounds like one smart cookie to me!!