Just last evening we got the call: one of Hubby’s elderly aunts is in very poor health and the nursing home suggested the family come in to say goodbye. We live about a hundred miles from that branch of the family, so a fast trip over there wasn’t really possible. The younger boys were scheduled to go visit Grandma and Grandpa this week (we took the older ones to camp this week). That trip is temporarily on hold. We were actually halfway to the meeting point when my mother-in-law called to let us know what was happening, so we turned around and came home. Hubby has to go to work tomorrow and we had the puppy along, so there wasn’t really a way to get there.
But now I’m thinking about today. Should I take the boys (age 7) and drive up there myself? Auntie has advanced Alzheimer’s, and hasn’t recognized us for a year or more. If we go, and if she’s even conscious, she still won’t know who we are.
Maybe though, having some bouncy boys around giving hugs and kisses and singing songs would be good for the rest of the family. Auntie has lived all of her life with her two sisters, except for the past several weeks in the home. Losing her will be hardest on them, especially since they’re in fairly poor health themselves.
As a parent, the most important question is, “What’s best for the boys?”
I want them to be able to handle the death of a relative; we’ve got a lot of older folks that won’t be here forever. With 4 family members over 80 and 2 in their 70′s, we know that there will be partings in the future. I don’t, however, want to push them into anything that would be even remotely harmful. It’s possible a lot of the details will pass right by them anyway.
Assuming there’s a death this week and that we can go to the funeral, is that the best time for them to say goodbye? Or would they benefit from seeing her again before she passes? Should I go up to visit, but keep them at arm’s length?
What would you do?
by AmyL
Photo graciously provided by Walkinonsunshine, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
It may be that a discussion and sentimental look through photos of better days would be enough to remind them of who she is and discuss the current situation. Perhaps after that, you can more easily decide if they need to see Auntie right now.
However, if YOU need to see Auntie yourself, then go. If you decide the boys don’t need to make the visit with Auntie, they can be bouncy and huggable with other relatives for the afternoon while you visit her.
We’ve lost our share of relatives. For some funerals, we’ve sent just my husband or myself- usually because of the timing, or distance or other factors. But for a few, we’ve brought the kids. My older son did a great job at my Grandma’s funeral when he was only about six, talking to her friends, and being just the right touch- people still talk about it.
I think dying is part of living, and when you have the opportunity, I think you can teach your kid a lot about life in these moments. We can’t shield them forever from death, and how we handle it will help form their view of it as well. Is it something to fear or just another part of life and family, and how do we deal with these setbacks?
When I was about 12, a close friend’s mom died. She was like another mom to me as well, as we all took it pretty hard. But the worst part for her kids was the fact that the Mom and Dad had been telling them Mom was getting better, and so when she died, it came as a big shock and dissolved some of the trust that held them together as a family.
That taught me one way NOT to handle death and big issues for kids, but I’m not sure there’s ever a text book way to do things. Do what you need to do for yourself. Have realistic expectations about what the kids can handle, and if there’s lots of sitting around, to be honest, game boys and ipods with headphones keep them entertained while you take care of grownup stuff. But don’t isolate them too much from what’s going on or how you’re feeling, and let them ask questions- it may be a relatively safe way to deal with death sometimes as being a blessing and not just a curse, and will help them cope when the death in the family is eventually a little closer to center.
I am struggling with this question this week as well. DS great grandmother (93) took a turn for the worst this weekend.
Does he need to say good-bye? She isn’t recognizing most of her children, let alone grand or great grandchildren.
And how much of the funeral day do we have him attend as it will be a LONG day.
I brought the kids with me when my grandmother was dying. The kids liked seeing their other relatives, and everyone appreciated having the kids around to lighten things up. Neither kid enjoyed seeing their unconscious great-grandmother, but neither kid was disturbed or upset by it.
Unfortunately because my grandmother lived longer than expected, we had to return home before her death and couldn’t return for the funeral. But I don’t regret that we went when we did. The “waiting” part was particularly hard for my mom and her siblings, and having the kids around helped.
If you have good relationships with this side of the family, and they aren’t going to be weird about your kids (i.e. no one in my family would have dreamed of correcting my kids for laughing and playing, even if someone else was crying) then my advice would be to bring the kids for some part of this, either the saying goodbye part or the funeral. Being part of a family means being there for each other through the good and the bad, and even young kids can learn that.
This does not apply if you have family members who would expect your kids to wear black and sit quietly for hours with a serious face! In that case I would leave them at home.
mom, again: ulp. That would mean I’d have my photos organized so I could find one. It’s actually a project I just started, but not likely to finish fast enough. That’s a fantastic suggestion though! I’ll have to do some digging-literally-and see what I can come up with.
I don’t need to see Auntie myself; if I went it’d be for my in-law’s sake. She’s a sweet wonderful lady, but hasn’t known who I am for over a year so I mentally said my goodbyes a long time ago. She’s not conscious now.
Whit, your comment makes me feel better about telling the older boys what was happening. We were literally checking them in to a week of summer camp when Hubby got the phone call (our next stop was going to be to drop the younger boys off with Grandma). So we called the older boys over, told them what was happening, and pretty much left. They seemed fine and didn’t really ask any questions. But I’ve been wondering if that was the best way to handle things. Perhaps I’ll send them a message today.
Joyce, we’re in the same boat aren’t we? I have to add a 2 hour drive to any time calculations, and then another drive back home. Or, we’ll have to figure out what to do with the puppy so we could stay the night. On top of that, the boys are scheduled to show their chickens at the fair on Friday. They don’t want to do chickens again next year, so this is a once in a lifetime experience and I don’t believe we should miss it. But then, the funeral is only going to happen once as well.
It’s been a week of flip-flops in thinking, that’s for sure.
STL Mom, I was all set to take them up yesterday when my mother-in-law called to say that they were headed to the nursing home again because the staff was calling them in. So I didn’t go, because I don’t want to make the drive only to find that she passed while we were en route. Once she does die (assuming she doesn’t suddenly bounce back from this) my in-laws will likely be busy helping with arrangements, as none of the 3 Aunties are in very good health. At that point we’d just be in the way and better to go home and return for the funeral. Oy. Not easy to figure out what to do! Thanks so much for the input, it gives me plenty to consider.