Author Archives: Stu Mark

A Memorization Technique

a pencil laying atop a page of test questionsKids get homework. Way too much homework. And the stress is just astronomical. One path I’ve chosen as a method to reducing this stress is to be their unconditional support mechanism, especially when they have to study for an exam. To clarify: When I help them to study for a test, I say only positive comments, I make suggestions in a positive-only voice, and I set up their at-home practice-quizzing environments so that there is only a short path to each success point.

Let me expand on that last one. When my kids have a test upcoming, they will, most of the time, come to me and say, “Would you quiz me?” When this happens, I set up a very specific quizzing pattern, so that they can witness their own success faster and as frequently as possible. Here’s an example:

If they are doing memorization drills, such as vocabulary, I ask them the first word, and if they get it right, I go to the second one. Regardless of the answer to the second one, I go back and ask the first word again. So it looks like this:

Me: “First word: Vociferous”

Kid: “Offensively loud”

Me: “Great. Next word: Protuberance”

Kid: “Bulge”

Me: “Awesome. Next word: Vociferous”

Kid: “Offensively loud”

…or…

Me: “First word: Vociferous”

Kid: “Offensively loud”

Me: “Great. Next word: Protuberance”

Kid: “Angry”

Me: “Not really. Close, but protuberance means “bulge”. Next word: Vociferous”

Kid: “Offensively loud”

…and repeat the pattern…

I mix it up a little, sometimes I go one new word before a repeat of a known word, sometimes I will give my kid two new words in a row, sometimes three, but rarely that. I find that if I do the repeat-the-known-word pattern, the kid learns faster. Also, they seem to exhibit less stress during the quizzing. And these are my top two goals for my kid during homework time: Learn and have minimal stress.

Give it a try if it seems like a decent idea, and if you do, let me know if you found that it made a difference. As always, I apologize in advance if this method accidentally breaks your kid.

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by a_soft_world, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Parenting Advice?

a mother watches her daughterI was at a party not too long ago – a casual party, where most of the guests worked with my wife. Some I knew and some I didn’t. When I was introduced to one of the ones I didn’t, they invariably asked what I did for a living. My first response was my usual “I’m a househusband, SAHD, homemaker” bit. But then I realized they were a working professional serious-minded corporate-type, so I seized the opportunity to add on, “Oh, and I’m a writer.” As far as I am concerned, this answer yields far more interesting conversations with business executives. So if you’re wearing a tie, or if it seems that you spent more on your clothes than I spent on food for the past week, I’m gonna mention that I’m a writer. ‘Cause, you never know.

So there I am, chatting up this nice gentleman with a decent weave job and a suit made from Egyptian cotton or angel’s hair or something, and he presses me on my career as a writer (Suits in Los Angeles always think in terms of resumes – What can this person do, and can I use them to further my career?). When I get to my current status, I mention this here column, and the fact that, for the most part, I dispense parenting advice.

He made that wonderful bouncy face where his first reaction was “Oh, that’s no use to me,” to a no-look pass to “I don’t care about this,” to the final “Hey, pretend you’re interested or else you’ll look like a jackass” face.

Now, I get that face a fair amount, maybe half the time. And the other half, fortunately, are looks of genuine interest or appreciation or curiosity. But this time I got the other face, the train-wreck face, and instead of making me roll my eyes on the inside, it planted a seed of doubt.

Seeds of doubt suck.

Eventually a little doubt sprout poked at my ego long enough and I began to think about my role as a purveyor of advice on how to raise your kids. This is not something that most folks want. In fact, there’s a generous amount of folks who think I should take my advice and shove it up my… well, let’s just say that it’s somewhere that is not a pleasant place.

Normally I can blow past this kind of thinking, because I realize that I’m not forcing it on anyone, that I’m very open about my lack of credentials and formal training, that I’m just some guy out takin’ a walk, talkin’ out loud. And I’ve yet to receive a complaint, I haven’t ever been accused of breaking anybody’s kid. So, I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

But this time, somehow, I found myself tumbling it over in my mind. Nobody would give unasked-for parenting advice to another parent live, face-to-face. Except that I do. Yeah, sure, those of you who are reading these words did volunteer to read them. It’s not like “parents” isn’t at the top of the page. So you’ve accepted some responsibility in your choice to continue reading. And some of you actually look for advice, you seek out other parents to get some direct and indirect feedback on your parenting, because you so want to be a better parent that you’re willing to listen to the words of a non-expert, a complete amateur.

But after you listen to me, after you hear me out, after you finish one of my advice columns, do you regret it? Or, worse, does it piss you off? Do you find yourself saying, “Just who in the Sam Hill does this guy think he is?”

Now, I’m not gonna stop offering parenting advice. I get enough sincere feedback from readers like you, feedback that confirms for me that I am not just a guy takin’ a walk. But I do want to ask this question: What is your sincere opinion on parenting advice? Do you think anyone should ever give advice on how to raise somebody else’s kids? And if you find yourself ok with listening to other folks , do you only really follow the advice of doctors/PhDs? Do you ever listen to another parent and base a decision on their words?

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by brandon king, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Sometimes You've Just Got To Want It

Sometimes you’ve just got to want it. You’ve heard that before, right? Maybe it was said by your coach or by a teacher. Maybe it was in a made-for-tv movie. Some wisened leader, leaning down to offer inspiration, suggesting that this was one of those moments when skill alone wouldn’t get the job done, that desire was the missing ingredient.

And sometimes it’s true. Sometimes desire is indeed the missing ingredient. Even in our own parenting, our skill, technique, brains… these will only get us so far when the mess hits the fan.

But I assert this: Sometimes you’ve *just* got to want it. Meaning that there are moments in the parent/child dynamic when the only neccesity is desire, moments when the only thing your child needs to see is that you want whatever it is that they want. Sometimes wanting is enough.

Sure, there are times when the answer is “no.” Sometimes there’s a reason why you can’t provide for your child’s desires. Maybe it’s a safety issue, maybe an economic one, maybe you are just incapable of whatever it is that they are begging for.

But that “no” doesn’t have to be the end of it. Because you can show them that you’d rather say “yes,” that you honestly want to say “yes.” You can look your kid in the eye and say, “I *want* you to get what you want,” and that just may be enough for them. It won’t satisfy them completely, but knowing that your mom or dad really wants you to be happy, well, that can make for a pretty decent consolation prize.

by Stu Mark

What's Good For Your Kids Is Good For You

The other day, a friend related her apprehensions of not being the perfect parent. Haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we all held ourselves to that most impossible of standards: perfection. *sigh* It’s a tough one. We want to be perfect, we all want to get it all right, all of the time.

Perfection is impossible. And maybe you know this, maybe I know this. But how often do we ignore this reality, hanging on to the impossible, hoping somehow that we can move that mountain?

And instead, when we fail, when we reveal our humanity by being the less-than-perfect parent, we hold ourselves to the fire. The feelings of guilt and shame start to creep in. We’ve let down our children and we’ve let down ourselves. It’s a moment for frustration, for tension, for tears. We agonize over our perceived failure for hours and days and weeks and…

Right?

And yet what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if it was one of our kids who made a mistake, an “oopsie?” And what if they were the one’s holding themselves to a standard of perfection? Would we stand idly by while they wallowed in their own self-misery? Would we put up with their shame and guilt, even for a moment? Or would we sit them down and convince them to let it go, to let themselves off the hook?

So why don’t we treat ourselves the same way? Why don’t we parent ourselves the way we parent our children? Isn’t it time to learn how to give ourselves the same break? Isn’t it time to forgive ourselves, the way we forgive our kids? Maybe it is.

by Stu Mark

Acknowledge Yourself

mom and dad ducks looking after their ducklingsYou are reading these words because you are a parent who is constantly looking to improve. You never give up on your quest to be an even better parent. I am in that same boat. I look at my performance with regularity, searching for ways to cultivate my parenting skills. And I believe, in my heart of hearts, that this is what makes us effective parents. That we never give up hope, that we never stop reaching within ourselves to become the parents we want to be.

However, there are many of us, myself included, who judge our parenting too harshly, in too negative a light. And to you, and to me, I say this: Take time to acknowledge your achievements. Give yourself permission to praise yourself for your efforts and your successes. Look within yourself, discern the moments when it serves you best to pat yourself on the back for what you have done in support of your child.

Some of you may not have an issue with this. Some of you may smile and say, “Oh, honey, but I do this regularly.” And that’s great, sincerely. But I know that I am not the only parent who has some level of difficulty in self-acknowledgement. I am not overly comfortable with praise from others, let alone praise from my own self. And yet, to a large degree, this acknowledgement is essential for improving one’s parenting skills. It’s like skiing down a mountain – the more confident you are, the less likely you will take a tumble.

Additionally, children need a wide variety of emotional facets from their parents, and one of them is confidence, specifically the confidence in the actual parenting they witness. In other words, if you are parenting with the intent to directly teach a life lesson, they will look at you to see if you believe it yourself. Kids have terrific b.s. detectors, and if they pick up a vibe of uncertainty, they will, rightly so, be more resistant to the lesson. And so, to improve our chances of successfully passing on that lesson, we need to build upon our confidence. For some of us, taking time to recognize our own achievements, to self-praise, is a key step towards reinforcing that confidence.

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by pixarman, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved