Tag Archives: Behavior

Using Screen Time To My Advantage

wii set displayed carefully on a table top with a small boy in the backgroundI’ve written about my concerns over screen time in the past. The boys are still as interested in playing computer/video games as ever, although I’ve noticed that television time has decreased significantly. This pleases me. I think we have a healthier balance going on in general.

Both of my younger boys are very, very, very fond of playing Wii games. Specifically, the Lego Indiana Jones game has been the source of many happy hours of play. They even discuss the game and various strategies when they’re not actively playing it. “I’m first on the Wii!!!” is a common claim especially when we’re driving into the driveway from a shopping trip.

In the case of Captain Earthquake, we may be at an addiction level though. If he doesn’t get game time, he gets a little… cranky.

I was starting to see a lot of complaining when morning lessons started and finally told him that boys who pout would lose privileges. Like computer games, television, or the Wii. I worked very hard to get him accustomed to this policy. The first day we used it, he lost TV rights, which was easy. Another day it was the computer, and on another it was both TV and computer. I knew he could survive if he still had his beloved Wii time. Unfortunately, the pouting continued and yesterday I took the plunge and told him no Wii for the day.

This was not a popular decision.

He did some crying and yelling, and I managed to just be calmly sympathetic. Later he told me he was grumpy because he couldn’t play the Wii, and I asked if he understood that he lost the Wii because he was grumpy. He grudgingly said yes. Victory!!

The problem came when he snuck down to watch his brother play on the Wii later on in the afternoon. It wasn’t a matter of forgetting his consequence. He deliberately disobeyed. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I suggested to Hubby that perhaps Captain Earthquake would have to lose another day of Wii time. Hubby agreed, and the Captain didn’t freak out so today he had a second day of no Wii.

He was tremendously impressive. Schoolwork was done without complaint, and there was no crying over missing the Wii either. We managed to stay busy with other activities and he managed to be happy. He did forget and sat down to watch his twin for a few minutes, but self-corrected and came to talk to me about it.

Tomorrow as soon as school is over, I’m pretty sure I know what my boy will be doing. It’s screen-time well earned, and I’m proud of him for making it today without complaint. Hopefully he’ll remember this and we can avoid the grumpiness for a while.

by AmyL

Photo graciously provided by Leonski, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Privation In Plenty

Every once in a while, most often when she’s sick, my five-year-old daughter K behaves like someone who once didn’t have enough to eat. She piles food onto her plate in mounds much bigger than she can eat. She eats very slowly, examining and savoring each forkful. She take forever choosing treats such as fruit, forgetting that whatever she doesn’t choose now she’ll be able to choose later. And she tries to sneak food into her room.

I once asked her whether she remembered a time when she didn’t have enough to eat. She said yes. She has also told me she thinks that, when she behaves badly, there will be no food. This shocks me, because my husband and I have never withheld food.

We adopted K and her brother M from an excellent Russian orphanage two years ago, when they were nearly four and nearly three years old, respectively. During their 18 months there, they were fed generously, on-demand, with fresh-cooked, nutritious food. But little is known about their pre-orphanage life. Since they ended up in an orphanage, most likely they really didn’t have enough to eat. An intelligent child such as K, terrified by the randomness of the situation, would logically have resorted to a belief that somehow she herself controlled the availability of food.

Nowadays K is in half-day kindergarten and a three-day-a-week after-school program, where she is permitted to eat only at specified times. At home, when allowed to eat whatever and whenever she likes, she eats only fruit and starches, and she consumes enough not to bother with meals. Then she’ll complain she’s hungry at school and during the night, and she won’t feel up to learning or playing. In other words, when allowed control over her diet, she makes poor choices. The problem is, she needs to have control over her diet to get over her fears of privation.

As we ponder what kind of professional help to get, let me ask you: How do you think we might manage to appear “hands-off” about K’s diet while really being “hands-on”?

by Deborah L. Blicher

Photo graciously provided by Darwin Bell, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.

When Time Out Doesn't Work…

What do you do when Time Out doesn’t work? One of my daughters like to push her behavior to the limit on occasion. We started doing “Time Out” about one year ago. Some times it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Pack Rat went through a phase where she would hit her sister. Sometimes she would hit me or her dad too if we didn’t give her what she wanted. At first we started with warnings. “If you do that again you’ll go to Time Out.” When that didn’t seem to be curbing her behavior we sent her to Time Out with no warnings. Amazingly her hitting has subsided significantly.

However, recently she started to get sassy by sticking her tongue out or spitting at me (or anyone else for that matter that made her mad). I’d send her directly to Time Out thinking that if it worked for her hitting behavior it should work for this too. Well, it didn’t. I would scold her and tell her that it isn’t nice to stick your tongue out at people and to please stop. Since the attempt at Time Out to curb this behavior had failed miserably, I was at a loss for what to do. I didn’t want to resort to spanking, but I was getting mighty close.

Then my husband had an idea to put soap in her mouth. My first and really only experience with soap in the mouth was when my biological father heard me use the F word – I was probably 5 years old or so. I was so mad at him because it was such a horrible experience. He rubbed the soap all over then closed me in the bathroom. As a child I swore I would never do anything like that to my children.

The other day I had enough of her behavior and told her that the next time she spit at me she was going to get soap in her mouth. My husband wondered if he should have even given me the idea… She’s only 4 years old so I’m not sure she really remembers the warning. She proceeded to spit at me and I told her she was getting soap in her mouth. The experience was probably as traumatic for me as it was for her. I barely touched her tongue with a small bar of soap and then immediately let her rinse it out with water. It is unlikely that I will use this tactic again…feelings of regret and guilt hover over me. However, it’s been one week and she has yet to spit or stick her tongue out at anyone. Yet, I wonder what other tactic could I have used to stop the behavior?

After viewing a video Megin Hatch had on her personal blog, I started to think about how we can punish our kids without resorting to soap in the mouth, spanking, Time Outs, etc. The only thing that has come to mind that might work is to take things away. My girls are getting to the age where toys are important possessions and movies are awesome luxuries.

Using this new found approach I took away their privilege of watching a move recently. They were in the bath tub while I was in the kitchen making dinner. As I walked back to check on them they had made a huge mess on the floor, water was approaching the doorway and Pack Rat was on the floor splashing in it as Copy Cat poured water all over her sister. They know they are to keep the water in the tub. So, in lieu of sending them to Time Out I took away their movie. I’m curious to see how they behave during their next bath. If this doesn’t work then I’m out of ideas.

Anyone have any punishment tactics they’d like to share? I could use a few tips!

by Kelly Damron

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The Fall Festival

Recently my daughter’s preschool had a “Fall Festival.” It’s something they do every year in October and this is our first venture to see what it was all about. We arrived late because we opted to make a home cooked meal vs. eating hot dogs and chips at the event – a decision which may have made the experience more traumatic for our daughters than I would have initially thought…

Even though the parking lot was full of cars, the reality of fitting a ton of children and their parents into such a small space didn’t occur to me until we walked into the first “room” full of activities. My daughter, who I call Copy Cat, immediately glued herself to me. There were too many people, especially too many big kids, and too much noise. My daughter’s teacher was encouraging them to come and play with the other kids, but Copy Cat quickly reached her arms up to be held and I slipped out of the room, with Pack Rat at my side and Copy Cat in my arms, to the quite hallway.

We found a room that happened to be empty and checked out the games they had setup. I was using this opportunity to get Copy Cat comfortable with the fact that this was a “party” and the purpose was to have fun with the other kids. After a tootsie pop was presented to her she decided that it wasn’t too bad afterall. But she remained very reserved the whole time we were at the Festival.

My daughters’ teacher took a few minutes to chat with us and she talked about how great they are in class and how they love to learn. She said they listen intently when she reads books, etc. I nodded in agreement, but said, “My concern with my daughters isn’t their ability to learn, it’s their social skills.”

My mom informed me that she read a study that stated adults who were premature babies are less likely to marry than their full-term counterparts. I was always a shy kid (and as an adult too). And often accused of not being nice, when really all I wanted to do was hide in a corner. What do I do to help my girls with their reclusive behavior — I don’t think it is just a matter of them being shy, they become overwhelmed easily in social settings.

What do you do to help your kids adapt?

Photo graciously provided by El Fotopakismo, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

What Eleven Looks Like

My son turned eleven less than a week ago. Already I am certain that I see signs of the age in him. Here is my take on eleven, in a boy:

  1. Eleven is private. He wishes to be left alone by grown-ups, of whom he is increasingly suspicious. Do not touch his hair, do not move to give him an affectionate pat. Protest will follow.

  2. Eleven does not yet care about personal hygiene. That is still a few years in the future. Luckily, Eleven does not yet need to care about personal hygiene.
  3. Eleven will still giggle and act silly – when he thinks no one else (with the possible exception of his younger brother) is looking.
  4. Eleven rolls his eyes. Often. And frequently utters, “Snore.” He acts as if nothing excites him. It’s easy to see that he’s faking. If anything, he cares too much. (See (5).)
  5. Eleven is touchy. He is ready to pick up on the tiniest flaw in his environment and run with it.
  6. Eleven is more and more interested in the larger world, in politics, in other countries. It is no longer just about him. This both excites and dismays him.
  7. Eleven is coltish. His body is all angles, and his feet are too big, his legs and arms too long. It is not a particularly graceful period for him.
  8. Eleven is on the cusp of adolescence. We are holding our breath as we anticipate the turbulence to come. We are sure that it will be clear-air turbulence that jolts us suddenly, without warning, out of what we will later recognize with nostalgia as a period of complacence. The only real question left to us is when.

by Slouching Mom