Tag Archives: parents

Mom Politics: When Kids Trash Talk

The family went to a soccer game today; TechnoBoy is on the team and we all went to watch him play. Naturally the younger boys drifted away, about halfway through, and played in a tree just behind us with some other boys and girls. At the end of the game, they ran over and told my mother-in-law that another boy had said some mean things to them. Those mean things included “Your dad is weak” and “Your dad is stupid.”

The boys were naturally rattled. We were in the middle of packing up and clearing out, so we walked them to the car. The mother of the trash-talker was nearby but I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.

Later, Hubby talked to our boys, reminding them that what they’d been told wasn’t nice. More importantly, he emphasized that they shouldn’t retaliate in kind. We suggested that if the boy says mean things again, (this isn’t the first time he’s been challenging, just the first time he was mean), that they tell him it’s not nice and to stop or that they’ll tell on him.

So do I tell the mother what her boy said? I’ve only talked to her a couple of times, and I don’t know her very well. Do you just walk up to someone and announce, “Your kid says my husband is weak and stupid?” How would you work that into a casual conversation game-side?

Or do we stick with the course we’re already on: say nothing and wait to see what happens? Assuming we do that, what if he says that kind of thing again? What if he says more?

Neither Hubby or I really care about the verbal antics of a 7 year-old boy; insults from him just don’t make any difference personally. That’s not true for our sons though. They care very much, and we’re concerned that they’d get into a one-upmanship situation (what boy wouldn’t?) and start saying mean things back.

Maybe they already have said some inappropriate things to him. Would there be wisdom in asking her that first?

When the older boys were little, any and all squabbles were between them and the neighbor. It was easy to walk down and talk to my neighbor about any problems that cropped up. This situation is less clear.

What would you do?

by AmyL

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Zen and the Art of Airline Travel: Part I

I cringed when I saw the family in front of us at the security gate.

As their youngest tried to crawl under the security gate to a different line, their oldest screamed. They were laden with a large, bulky 2-seater stroller, over-stuffed with loose bags and sippy cups, multiple carry-ons, and a laptop.

Thanks to the new and so-called improved security lines at Midway, I was stuck in the Family-and-Other-People-Who-Can’t-Get-Their-Sh*t-Together line.

True, I was in that line, because I was also traveling with my children. But there was one small difference: my family was prepared.

There is a certain skill to airline travel with children. It’s one that our family has down. It’s one that’s easy to learn and easier to master, if you just follow a few simple steps:

1. Traveling with children is not the same as traveling on your own. Obvious, I know. However, it warrants stating, because the first step to a successful flight is to realize that you have to change your expectations. You can’t expect everything to go smoothly or easily, and if you do, you’re in for disappointment and frustration.

2. Fly at reasonable hours. We made the mistake of trying to get an early morning or late night flight to save money when our son was just a baby. It wasn’t worth the $20 we saved. Your best bet when traveling with very young children is to schedule the flight right around nap time. By the time they get through the airport and onto the plane, it won’t take much for the noise and motion of the plane to knock the little munchkins right out. If you can’t hit a nap time flight, you shouldn’t book any flight that interrupts their schedule. Don’t expect a child who is up earlier or later than usual to be on their best behavior.

3. Minimize What You Bring: I know, I know. There’s something about having children than makes usually sane, rational adults feel as though they have to pack their entire house every time they leave the house. If they’re going farther than the store, for some reason they feel like they should bring the house as well. I’m here to tell you that it’s just not necessary. You should limit your luggage whenever possible. Remember, you and you alone will have to schlep it from point A to B to C then over to the car rental place. Oh- and remember that you’ll be doing that with three tired munchkins in tow.

Limit yourself to 1 suitcase per adult. I know those little children’s roller-bags are adorable, but resist buying them. Little Jo-Jo is only going to pull it for about 4 minutes, and then guess who will be trying to pull it through the airport?

Bring as little as possible through security. Limit yourself to one carry-on with diapers, wipes, and snacks. If your child is old enough, he or she may be able to carry a small backpack with toys, but don’t over-load it, because you’ll end up being the one carrying it if it’s too heavy. Consider checking the stroller. If you have an infant, often you can get through the airport easier with a sling or carrier. If it’s made completely of cloth, you can often leave the baby in it as you go through security. If you have a toddler or older, they’re not going to stay in the stroller anyway. If you must bring a stroller, think small. You want something easily collapsible that can fit through the security scanner without much effort. We use a well-built umbrella stroller, and I’ve never wished for anything bigger.

If you must bring along electronics or a laptop, designate one bag, and (if possible) one adult as the keeper of them. Have all the electronics in one bag, and make sure that whoever is dealing with the electronics isn’t also holding a baby. There’s no reason for both parents to deal with laptops at security.

4. Have a plan and be ready to execute it at the security gate. My husband and I have an understanding–there can only be one chef in the kitchen. Everyone else is a line cook and, well, needs to get in line. Airline travel doesn’t have any room for ego. If you’re traveling with a partner, it’s essential that only one of you lead. This is especially important when you get to the security checkpoints.

In Part II, I’ll talk more about the plan for a pain-free security experience. In Part III, I’ll be talking more about the flight itself and give you suggestions on how to keep your kids occupied from a trans-Pacific Flight Attendant.

Meanwhile- what are your favorite airline travel tips?

by Lisa D.

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It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Do you ever get sick of having the same old battle over and over with your kids? Or how about wearying of just getting one problem solved, only to have a new conflict emerge?

It gets old, doesn’t it?

I’m not going to list for you the various difficulties and frustrations that led me to this post. Most likely you’ve got a similar list. If you’re anything like me, you’ve had that moment where you think, “Sheesh. How much longer do I have to do this? Why don’t they just get it?”

Assuming that a child is all grown up and matured by their 18th birthday (I decided to be generous in my terms), that means that we’ve got 18 complete years together. To look at it another way, that means

216 months
6570 days
157,680 hours
946,080 minutes or
567,648,000 seconds

That’s not short. This parenting gig is a long-term thing. Sometimes it feels like we’re never going to finish this journey, and like everything I do is a flop. The eye-rolling and frustrated sighs from my pre-teen children certainly don’t help.

But.

Time marches on, and they move toward maturity every day. I just can’t always see it when I’m in so close. There will come a time when the conflict and struggles cease, and they take their places besides us as equals and friends.

Then they’ll have kids of their own, and I will be free to laugh when they find out why I’ve been ripping out my own hair all these years.

by AmyL

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The Plagiarism Temptation

I’m writing this blog post in an effort to help other parents help their kids. I am also painfully aware that this will be shared through my social channels, and that several of my kids teachers and principals may read this as well. While I am concerned about the effect this might have as a result, I am more concerned that keeping such things secret makes it easier to pretend these things never happen. If we don’t hold ourselves and our own kids accountable, do we really help make it any better? On the other hand, if I discuss it, will this follow them forever? Will it make the guilty kid as suspect as the innocent kid?

Like many households across the country, we’re finishing up those summer reading projects. It’s editing week here, and on review of part of one child’s work, it became obvious that some of it didn’t sound right. The initial confrontation about it yielded some denial, and then some response about losing the initial file with the work, so a short cut was employed. Needless to say, I had to drag out the old parental chestnuts including:

-Cheaters never prosper

-If Freddy jumped off the bridge, would you do it too?

-Do you really think you could get away with this?

-Do you not trust yourself enough to do your own work?

-We only learn by trying and doing our best. If we use other people’s best, we can never be proud of ourselves and we never learn anything, either.

-For goodness sake- it’s summer reading- how much pressure are you under, really?

The irony here, of course, is that I am in the process of writing a book myself. Making sure I credit sources, reference appropriately and the like is what I am doing every day. So to find out a kid succumbed to the temptation of cut and paste is appalling on every level. Everyone got a lecture today, whether guilty or not, about honesty and integrity, things I thought I had covered daily in my parenting, but things that clearly bear repeating.

In the end, I think this day and the discovery of the bait and switch have made a really big impression on everyone here.

But it’s also made me realize as we start this new school year, constant vigilance about the temptation of short cuts is going to be more important than ever. Each kid, regardless of age or grade will be subject to review and scrutiny. The problem here in part is that the internet makes it almost too easy to take short cuts, and unless kids realize why it’s bad on a moral level, on an ethical level, the temptation may be too great to take the short cut to get by, especially when things are stressed and time management is not always every kid’s strength.

To make it easier for all of you, including all the teachers out there, here are a few plagiarism checking site links to help you keep yourselves and your kinds honest:

Dustball Plagiarism Checker- analyzes text and provides possible links to suspicious passages.

Article Checker-best for news and academic articles, not as good for essays

PlagarismChecker.com- useful for teachers, authors and parents. A brief check of an obvious plagiarized passage actually showed the same sentence coming up numerous times across the web, showing that the cut and paste mentality is alive and well.

Check for Plagiarism.net- This site is most useful in that it also has detailed explanations of the law and why plagiarism is wrong, and how it can ruin the reputation of people for years. Using this material helped us hammer home how wrong these “short cuts” are, and how self-destructive this can be for people at any level of work.

by Whitney Hoffman

Photo graciously provided by quinn.anya, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Forgiveness

Last week, I attended the parents information session at my son’s school on an upcoming sacrament he and his class will be receiving. My son is attending a Catholic grade school, and this year he will be making his first Reconciliation. When I was young, we called it first confession or pennance. Either way, it’s the first time young Catholic children confess their “sins” and ask God’s forgiveness.

I listened as the priest told a long-winding story, and started to think about forgiveness and grace and how we teach them to our children. Whatever I might think about the Catholic Church (which is left as another column for another time), I do believe the act of forgiveness, divine or otherwise, is one of the most loving things we can do for one another.

To teach children how to really be sorry, you also need to teach them how to forgive. It’s ok to say we are sorry to our children, and admit when we make a mistake or aren’t being our best self. We parents don’t have to pretend we’re perfect. In fact, I believe that admitting that even we can make a mistake and then learn from it is another way we set an example for our children.

I certainly know I am not perfect. but I have made it one of my personal goals to always say I am sorry when I have acted as less than my best self, and through my action or inaction, have hurt another person. I think it’s important to show my children that there’s nothing I’d ask of them that I wouldn’t be willing to do myself. If I want them to be capable of saying they are sorry and admitting mistakes, then I have to show them that I can and will do the same.

The night before this parent meeting, I was home with the kids from another rough day at work. My husband was staying late at work. I was trying to get dinner made quickly so we would have time for bath and shower before bedtime and also trying to help my son with his homework at the same time. There was a lot going on and I was barely keeping all my figurative balls up in the air. My son started to get distracted with his reading assignment and was having a hard time concentrating. Instead of stopping what I was doing after the fourth (or was it fifth) time he asked me the same question and the fourth (or fifth) time he didn’t listen to my answer, I raised my voice. I didn’t yell, but I didn’t continue to speak in a normal volume. I loudly gave him the answer to get his attention.

I was immediately sorry I’d done it. I wouldn’t want someone to raise their voice with me just because they were frazzled, and I shouldn’t allow myself to do it either. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I stopped what I was doing, knelt down so that I was eye level with my son, and told him I was sorry I had raised my voice, and asked him to forgive me. I didn’t try to explain why I was frazzled or what my state of mind was. I simply told him that I shouldn’t have raised my voice and I understood he was having trouble with his homework. He forgave me and we moved on.

I wish I could say that I am always the best parent I can be. I am human, and sometimes I fall short. I am, however, always trying. Hopefully, it is the always trying and the constant working to reach my best that matters in the end. Hopefully, in teaching my son that I can seek forgiveness as well as grant it, he will understand that saying “I forgive you” is even more important than saying “I am sorry.”

Every day we teach our children through the example we set. They watch how we react to life, to our mistakes, to everything. I hope that even my examples of being human and making human mistakes help my children to be the best people that they can be.

by Rocket Science Mom

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