Tag Archives: parents

Sometimes It Can Feel Like You're Drowning

I haven’t mentioned it much here, but I suffered a dramatic knee injury in late January of this year, earning myself weeks of sitting on the couch, months of crutches, and more months of rehabilitation. (8 months later I can get around pretty well, for which I’m thankful, but I still have a ways to go.) Part of the fallout of all that was that homeschooling was hampered quite a bit last school year. After some negotiating, we settled on shorter days and working through the summer. By the end of July all that was left was a daily grammar lesson with the older boys. Still, it was a great relief to finish in August and have a couple of weeks of total freedom from academics.

Then the beginning of September rolled around and we started our new school year. It usually takes us a few weeks to settle in to a good rhythm with the new books and materials, and this year was no different. We’re still getting adjusted after three weeks. Some days I feel like it’s difficult to breathe, and like I’m drowning in all the work that needs to be done. The school days have been uncharacteristically long, and that doubles for me since we’ve two different grade levels. It doubles again given that I’m shepherding two different personalities through each of those two grade levels. Then there are soccer games and practices in the evening and on Saturdays. Keeping up with just the basics is overwhelming. Managing to do anything more than survive: nearly impossible.

I know the boys were feeling it too because several small things that hadn’t been problems suddenly changed and cropped up. The dog’s collar, for example. We were at nearly a 100% success rate with keeping it in the entry near the door; this made getting her outside quickly a snap. Suddenly it was turning up all over the house, several times a day. More than once I’ve had to do some serious searching to find it. That’s frustrating.

Another strange one: nearly every day I’ve walked into the bathroom the boys use and discovered that someone has taken the toilet paper roll off the hanger and left it on the floor. Why?? What on earth is the point of such an exercise? What good is there in setting the roll (of paper!!!) on the floor(!!!) in a bathroom used by boys (ewwwww!!!!)? The mind boggles. No one will admit to moving the toilet paper. It’s just crazy.

I don’t think that the dog collar or the toilet paper being in the wrong place is some kind of conspiracy to annoy. Instead I think they’re feeling stressed at the changes; probably as stressed as I have been feeling.

There have been a lot of emotional moments; at the same time we’ve not had massive blow-ups. I have had to be firm and even intense, but I have been able to emphasize that intensity does not equal anger.

I’ve relearned some lessons over the past 3 weeks. Again. Because learning them once (or several times) is apparently not enough.

Hands Off: Sometimes it’s best to disengage. We have several new assignments with programs that have changed, plus the boys are going to a co-operative school that some other families are putting on weekly. When the art class teacher handed each boy a piece of wet fabric on which to draw with chalk, one son looked me straight in the eye and whispered, “I’m not touching that.” He wasn’t kidding. Rather than argue with him, I went on with helping the other children get their project ready. Not two minutes later, my boy had changed his mind and was drawing cheerfully.
Basics first: It’s okay to function in survival mode short term. The boys will adjust to the changes; this is not a forever crisis or a new normal. It’s okay to set aside projects and just manage school, sports, and necessities like food and cleaning. When we’ve gotten our rhythm back, I can add other tasks back to my schedule.
Focus (long and short term): Concentrate all attention on the task at hand and work to get it done as much as possible. Having long todo lists can weigh heavily especially late at night. Accomplishments, even small ones, are encouraging. If there’s not enough time available to complete a larger job, try to at least get it done in chunks. Prioritize that one job so that you tackle a piece as often as possible until it’s done. I’ve wanted to refinish our swing set for years, and the fading finish was making me feel guilty every time I looked out the window. By working on it over several days, an hour at a time, the job got done. Breathing is a little easier, now that such a large task is finished.

It’s no fun feeling stressed. By scaling back and trying to keep a clear head, I can get through this period and back to a comfortable normal soon.

by AmyL

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Photo graciously provided by Dude Crush, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

My Happiness, My Responsibility

Thankfully I had a good childhood filled with a sister to share it with, playmates in the neighborhood, classmate friendships, family vacations to the beach & Disney World, a two story house to grow up in, a Dad that worked with Mom who stayed home, and the list goes on. So I am thankful for all the blessings in my life, and also aware of the challenges that I have overcome.

Those challenges initially came from my Mom who delivered emotional abuse that was very hard to handle due to my sensitive nature. So despite all the good things in my life being happy wasn’t easy, and I learned early on that my happiness was my responsibility.

Due to my inner strength and the need to succeed, without the support of my parents, I ventured out into the world shortly after high school graduation. Despite the negative words I heard from my Mom I was going to be successful and it was going to be for Me not for her.

Prior to moving out I had found a job that not only paid me enough to support myself, but also paid for a college education. My single years were filled with working two jobs, attending college, having a social life, and getting some counseling to heal my inner self.

Shortly after being on my own I met my future husband. I wasn’t in any rush to get married, because I had a lot of work to do on my happiness before committing to someone else. During the dating years with him I continued to work toward my future and took a big step and bought a condo. I was determined to take care of myself and my happiness no matter what happened with the guy I was dating.

After 6 years of dating, the 7th year being engaged, we got married. After 7 years of being independent I had to switched gears and became a part of a couple. Knowing the examples of marriage that I witnessed through childhood, and getting to know other couples through work I was ready for a commitment with him. There were times I’d put my happiness in his hands, but was always reminded that it was my responsibility not his.

After two years of marriage, we began to start a family. Four and a half years past and we were blessed with three boys, lived on a farm, and I was content with how my life had unfolded after leaving home oh those many years ago.

Being a wife and stay-at homeMom is a challenging job to say the least, and it has tested every fiber of my being. I’m reminded though here and there that I must continue to take care of myself because that’s the best gift I can give my family is a happy Mom.

I will admit there are many times where I get depressed or sad, but then I realize I’ve given the responsibility of my happiness to someone else and it’s not for them to be in charge of. . . my happiness is my responsibility.

by City Chic On A Farm

Photo graciously provided by Chris Gin, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

TV: Unplugged!

Yes, folks, it’s the start of another term, and here at Chez Sheppard we (okay, *I*, the mean and unreasonable parent) have unplugged the TV for the duration of the school term.

O, the gnashing of teeth and wailing and rubbing ashes in hair!

So when the boys came home from school yesterday, they walked into the living room, sighed at the tasteful throw with which I have camouflaged the TV… and then we played cards, cooked, drew and coloured, talked about our days, and had a really nice evening.

We only got the TV a few months ago, and it really changed our lives. I found that the kids were less demanding, and I had more time for doing my stuff. When they looked for me, I said “Mmhmm, coming in a minute,” and at the end of the minute they had forgotten what they wanted me for and were watching ‘Top Gear’. We played together less. The boys played less board games. They also played outdoors MUCH less, and bickered more, and not just about what channel to watch!

I have to break the habit of going off into my room whenever they were watching TV. I have to give up my TV shows. I have to set an example by NOT being on the laptop when they are home. I have to entertain them, a little, until they detox from their TV-induced boredom. But now that they are back at school, they are going to be so busy most days that I don’t think this will be too much of a problem!

But so far, no TV = more play. I can live with that.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

by Nan Sheppard

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Photo graciously provided by Jake Mates, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Setting Up An Allowance

Two of our recent columnists (here and here) wrote recently about money and teaching your children how to handle it. They both inspired me to write about something we’re trying out in our household: An allowance. So far, it’s more of an experiment rather than a finished product, but it seems to be catching on.

When I was growing up, I didn’t really have an allowance. There was the occasional flirtation with an allowance as my Mom would put together a “job jar” filled with slips of paper. On each slip of paper was written a job (water the plants, pick up the toys in the TV room, etc.) and a monetary value. The deal was, my brother, sister, and I would pick out a slip of paper, do that job, then earn the money associated with it. My mother would keep a running tally, and by the end of the week, we’d get our earned allowance. We didn’t get a standard amount of money. It was usually tied to doing chores that we probably should have been doing anyway. The whole idea never really caught on. I didn’t have much of my own personal spending money until I was old enough to babysit.

As a fellow blogger here has admitted about herself, I can also be a pushover when it comes to my kids asking for things. When the kids have been good at the doctor’s office or when we’ve gone to the zoo or a family vacation trip, I usually allow them a small toy (or two, or three). We have another vacation trip coming up in a few months. Because I don’t want to deny them souvenirs, and because I don’t want to break the bank buying things, I have been trying to think of ways to solve both dilemmas.

Up until now, the hubby and I haven’t set up an allowance system for our kids. We thought that the upcoming trip was the perfect motivation.

Rather than a job jar, or a set weekly allowance, my son came up with the idea of a list of things he should do each day (homework, getting himself dressed and undressed and making sure his clothes make it to the laundry, etc) and a monetary value associated with each thing. He calculated out a per day total, then added up a per week total. He came home from his first day of second grade with his whole plan all laid out. It was perfect, except for one thing. It was far too much.

He’d put together his list with an end goal in mind of how much money he wanted to earn by the time of the trip. It was almost double what my husband felt was appropriate. I reached a middle ground by reducing his per-chore value and then adding in a couple additional ones. We ended up somewhere between what my husband was thinking was fair and what my son wanted.

So far, it’s going well. Not all of the chores are being done. My son is learning consequences and choices. If he chooses not to do one of the items, then he doesn’t earn that money. If he’s ok with that, then it is his choice. (Homework, however, isn’t one of those negotiable items.)

Writing this out, it sounds complicated, but this was a scheme thought up by the first born child of two engineers. I have a feeling that our type A personalities have played a bit of a role here. When my Mom stopped over to watch the kids for me the other day, her only comment was that she wanted to be one of my kids with an allowance like that.

In the end, I don’t think my son will do every item on the list every week, and he probably won’t earn all of the money he first thought he would, but I think that he will learn some pretty good lessons about personal responsibility and consequences. Plus, I am using it to help curb my habit of buying toys at unnecessary times. Rather than my purchasing things, he can earn his allowance to buy something.

Hopefully this idea will prove to be long lasting. I have found that so far it has been a good motivator in part because it was largely my son’s idea. Rather than talk him into a set weekly allowance, going along with his idea has given him a lot of ownership and enthusiasm.

I will report back as we are closer to our vacation with an update on how this experiment played out.

by Rocket Science Mom

Photo graciously provided by alancleaver_2000, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Teaching Your Kids How To Manage Money

When it comes to money, it’s never too early to start learning how to save, when to spend, and some of the most effective and helpful skills required to help you manage it successfully. Even if you’re a parent who has struggled with your own money management issues, you can start your kids out early on the path to financial success by offering up some basic lessons as they grow.

Why teach kids who are too young to have their own income about how to manage money? By starting early, children will learn the value of money and the benefits that can come from saving. For instance, they can have a little toy today if they spend their money now, or, if they save, they can make a much bigger and more fun purchase in a few months’ time. While kids will understand different levels of money management at different ages, the fundamentals are something they can start learning at any time, setting them up for success when it comes time to take care of their own income when they get a job and are out on their own.

There are many different ways that you can teach kids about money management. Perhaps one of the most effective is through your own actions. Kids will watch you and see how you deal with money, whether you want them to or not, so make sure the lessons they’re learning are good ones. If you encourage them to save up money or to earn their allowance, don’t buy them toys every time they ask. If you want them to learn frugality, don’t overindulge yourself. While these things are sometimes easier said than done, the lessons they learn from watching you are more powerful than any you can sit down and teach them.

I still remember the money lessons my parents tried to teach me as a child. My sister and I each received a weekly allowance, the amount dependent on how old we were. If you were seven, you got seven dollars a week and so on. This seven dollars wasn’t all yours to keep and use as you saw fit, however. My mother gave us three envelopes, each for a different aspect of our money management. One was for our savings, the money we had to put away and couldn’t touch. One was for charity, money we had to use towards a donation to a cause of our choice. And the remaining third was ours to use as we wished. While this system isn’t perfect, it does let children see that money can be used in different ways; for fun today, to help you in the future and to aid others– things that all adults have to learn somewhere along the way.

That isn’t to say that I grew up being a financial whiz. I went through my own growing pains, learning why saving is really important if you ever want to own property or have a car, and how to deal with the temptation to buy versus the necessity of being frugal. Yet despite whatever missteps I may have made, those lessons learned long ago were still in there somewhere, and as an adult, I have come to appreciate the efforts my parents made to teach me and even their constant nagging about how I should be saving more. As parents ourselves now, we can’t ensure that our children will always make smart decisions with their money. We can only offer them the tools and understanding they need to do so and let them find the wisdom from them in their own time.

by Alisa Gilbert, who writes for bachelorsdegree.org

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