Everyone knows I’m a fan of Co-Sleeping. It’s easy, safe, and good for kids and parents. Many families continue to co-sleep until the kid decides to move out into their own room. This can be at age two, when independence rears its interesting head, or at five, when your snuggler starts school and wants to be grown-up… or at ten? Who knows! In most societies (and most do still co-sleep) babies sleep with their parents until the next baby comes along.

It’s all simple and loving, when babies are small. It makes the nights so easy when they need frequent attention: between feeding, nappy changes, teething and the first colds there are just too many things to wake a baby in the first year. But they grow up! Do we really need to wait for our child to make the decision to move to their own bed? Many experts say YES: like child-led weaning, child-led co-sleeping is natural and healthy and non-traumatic. Me? I say, “AAaaaargh!” Like a mother bird that pushes it’s fledglings out of the nest, I got weary of co-sleeping (it was a love/hate thing) when my kids began to sleep lightly enough to be woken by grownup night activities (you know, reading…) And I felt that, once my boys were able to communicate, I was okay with putting them into their own beds. I hope that they got most of the benefits of co-sleeping as babies, and they don’t appear to have been traumatized either way.

Sometimes, there were tears. But these were not the tears of a baffled and terrified six-week-old who thought that Mama had gone forever, left to sob themselves to sleep in the darkness while their mother wept on the floor outside the door. My kids were old enough to say if they needed to go to the loo, or felt sick, or had an earache; and they were old enough to understand “night night” and “mummy’s right here”. It may seem arbitrary, but many parents appear to have had enough of co-sleeping around the time their kids become verbal. Many breastfeeders wean babies off their night feeds at around this age too, an often noisy process where Mama wears lots of clothes to bed and Baby bawls. (Sam would tuck my boobies in: “Night night, boobies!” and seemed to accept that there would be no night nursing, because the boobies were asleep. No doubt he will be having therapy for this in years to come.)

We had a bedtime routine since babyhood: supper, bathtime, stories, specific lullabies and sleep. When it was time to move to their own bed, we kept a similar routine, depending on the child. We talked about their new bed, with nice sheets and pillow of their very own, favourite stuffed toys and all. We got into it and said, “Hey! Mama can fit in this bed too!” And then, without too much fanfare, we went to sleep in the big-boy bed.

Gradually, I crept away. I would say, just as I used to in my own bed, “I’m just going to the bathroom, be right back” and “Bleah, I have to brush my teeth.” I always came right back. Or I would sit quietly on the floor of their room, humming a lullaby and folding laundry (at no other time has my laundry been so conscientiously folded!) Once they got used to the fact that they would survive my absence, I could chat on the phone in the next room, or potter around tidying… as long as they could hear me, they felt that all was well. I would sing as I pottered, and when they called, I answered, and brought two hundred and twenty-seven glasses of water till they gave up the tactic, but I refused to be drawn into those night-time discussions!

I know that some kids like to fall asleep entwined in a parent’s hair or clinging to their ears. For these kids, a more gradual removal (parent sitting on side of bed, parent sitting in chair next to bed, moving a few inches a night till you are just out of arm’s length and can fold your laundry or do some silent yoga…) may be needed. They fear that they will be left alone, and need to know that a parent will ALWAYS come when called. They will test this, repeatedly, until they are satisfied that they can trust you. Tedious, I know, but in the long run, it works well for everyone.

Sometimes, my kids went through a phase of getting out of bed, resisting sleep, bawling, “Iiiii’m noooooot tiiiiiired!” in the time-honoured manner of exhausted kids everywhere. Sometimes, I would snap, “Don’t you DARE get out of that bed! If you need me, call me and I will come, but STAY IN BED!” in the time-honoured manner of weary mothers everywhere. But my aim was to gradually, calmly, get them used to getting to sleep alone, happily.

It’s a shame that bedtime happens at just that time of day when you’re most exhausted, when as a parent, you feel ENTITLED to some peace, finally, and a shower, perhaps? When as a child, you are not prepared to do anything sensible. It’s a good idea to discuss the new bed in the daytime and snuggle and play in it, while everyone’s feeling positive. And the BEST way to avoid night-time discussions and arguments, (OH how my kids could discuss and argue at that age!!) is to yaaawn largely, and say, “Hmmmm? What was that honey? Oh, I’m too sleepy now, let’s talk about it in the morning…” Everyone knows that yawns are catching, and once you have settled on the bedroom floor with the laundry, folding boringly in the darkness, yaaawning, your little debator will probably give up and drop off. In time, the dropping-off will happen more quickly and easily, and will not require your presence. You might drop off, too, and be discovered by your spouse, snoring and drooling into the neatly-folded laundry. If you’re lucky, your spouse will put you to bed, and you can enjoy co-sleeping, grownup style.

And if, in the wee hours of the morning, a warm little snuggler climbs into your bed? I used to say, “You are welcome here, but I am a very tired mommy so bring your own blanket and DON’T wake me up unless it’s really necessary!” Max was a pro at creeping in without waking me, and I never minded. Inevitably, they grow out of needing their parents at night, except on nights of scary dreams and fevers or big changes. No-one ever said that the job of parenting kept regular hours. And of course, they still know that I’ll be there if they need me, night or day. Always.

by Nan Sheppard

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