Tag Archives: teens

Be Honest About Your Emotional Needs

a candle with a metal frame with heartsThis is for the parents who sometimes struggle with their kids. Maybe they say something that hurts, maybe they can seem a bit ambivalent about your sadness or your frustration. Maybe you stare at the ceiling at night, laying in bed trying to figure out how to get them to treat you better. You search for a way to improve your connection with your kids, to get them to understand you better or empathize with you or simply respect your feelings.

When parents ask me what to do when they are struggling, one thing I try to mention is this: Be honest about your emotional needs. Be honest with yourself first. Really talk to yourself and find out what you really want from your kid. Get specific. Find out what’s missing or what isn’t happening enough. Reach down deep and be candid with yourself. Don’t hide from your desires, let your sincerest wishes reveal themselves. Figure out what you really need. I’m not talking about the stuff they do that you want them to stop, but instead, zero in on the emotions that are triggered when they do what they do, the heavy stuff that’s at the core of your being.

Once you have come to grips with the reality of your emotional needs, find the right time and the right place to have a sincere conversation with your child. Have the talk in a place they feel safest and at a time when they are most likely to really listen to you. The talk doesn’t have to be long, but it does have to be effective, so plan ahead.

Then, when it’s time for the chat, be honest and direct, right from the beginning. Explain how their actions make you feel and what can happen that would make you feel better. Validate them, validate what they’re doing, especially what they do that hurts you. Get them to see that you respect them, that while you may not agree with them, you’re not judging them, just asking for them to appreciate what you are going through. And let me be clear: don’t obfuscate, don’t mask, don’t be passive-aggressive. Look into your child’s eyes and tell them how you feel. Reveal yourself to them.

One last suggestion: Be clear with them that they are not responsible for making you feel mad or sad or disappointed, that it’s just how you are reacting to what they are doing. Separate the action from the feeling. Tell them that you trust in their love for you, that you know that this is, in the end, your fault that you didn’t explain how you felt clearly enough, or that you expressed yourself in a way that didn’t work in the best possible way. The idea is to let them off the hook, because the ultimate goal is to forge a better relationship. If they feel less like a screw-up, less like a villain, and more like someone who just innocently spilled the milk, your young one will be far more likely to take your feelings to heart and to be willing to make their own adjustments, to want you to feel happy.

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by Bob.Fornal, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Short And Inexperienced

a young girl frustrated and deflated over her homeworkRecently, a friend mentioned that their kid (early elementary school age) forgot to pack their homework, thus said homework did not make it to school. The response from the friend was a plan of being stern with the child, to give them a firm talking-to (my paraphrasing). My reaction was a slight cringe (on the inside) and a decision to write the following:

I believe that kids are the same as adults, except for two things: One, they are shorter than us. Their physical perspective is drastically different. What we see as a counter, they see as a wall. What we see as a bush, they see as a tree. They see things differently and it effects their day-to-day lives and it effects their emotional reality.

Secondly, they have less experience than us. We’ve ridden a two-wheeler for years. We’ve had meaningful relationships for years. We’ve had jobs, we’ve had love affairs, we’ve had hangovers. They haven’t. Their experiences are limited.

But that’s it. Everything else about them is the same as us. They’re human beings, just like you and me. Humans with the same likes and dislikes, the same feelings, the same passions, the same souls. We both love popcorn and a good movie, we both love to laugh, we both get stressed if we’re in a strange part of town, we both get a little nuts when we lose our glasses or forget our lunch at home. We are the same. We have sadness, we have joy, we have moments of daftness and moments of brilliance and moments of neuroses.

So when the homework gets forgotten, or lost, or done poorly, my strong opinion is that sternness is not the answer, that it’s not fair (Who are you to hassle your kid about homework? Did you remember your homework every day?), and it’s not respectful (What? Are you better than them?)

I’m not saying that the forgetting of the homework is not, at times, crazy-making. But if you can stop yourself for a minute, remember that your kid is, aside from height and experience, an essential equal, maybe there’s a way for you to empathize with their mistake, to validate them, to say a kind and encouraging word. Maybe respect will get the homework to school and the larger lesson imprinted in their soul.

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by Cayusa, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Radio, Radio

an old radio with a notebook and glassesMy daughter is thirteen and about to start high school. With this blessing comes the curse of pop radio. Her current favorite is 97.1 Amp Radio (we live in Los Angeles, but you can go to their site and listen live over the interwebs). It’s not a bad radio station and I’m not complaining or in any way urging censorship… But…

I can tell I’m finally growing up, because whenever we have this station on in the car, I find myself a bit surprised at some of the lyrics. I’m fine with the allusions, such as: “She moves her body like a cyclone.” That’s a nice bit of writing. It contains both wit and machismo. However, it’s the more direct verbiage from other songs that gives me pause. Just this week I’ve heard such lines as: “You, your sex is on fire.” and “I’ll be hitting all the spots that you ain’t even know was there…” and “I wanna go to college for the rest of my life… Sip Banker’s Club and drink Miller Lite” and my current fave rave:

    Don’t need candles and cake
    Just need your body to make…
    Birthday sex…Birthday sex
    Birthday sex…Birthday sex

Again, I’m cool with this stuff being on the radio. I think that since radios have volume knobs, it should be up to the parents to decide what happens, not the FCC. However, these songs do have me much more aware of my own age. I feel myself cringing when I hear these certain lyrics that I would have smiled at twenty years ago. Or would I have? Have I changed or have modern pop lyrics lost all subtlety? Have I become the crotchety old man or are record companies pushing buzzwords to retrieve a massive return on investment? Or instead is this just the inevitable changing of the guard, the old being replaced by the new?

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by Ian Hayhurst, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

What Constitutes Child Abuse?

I’d like to get your response to a question that occurs to me: What constitutes child abuse?

My question stems from a news item about a father and his daughter. They were at home, he asked her to get off the computer, she refused, he restated his request, lacing it with profane insults, she got angry and hurled invective back at him. This angered the dad, who picked up a nearby slice of pizza and threw it at the child (whose age is not available as of this time), hitting her in the back of the head. She dialed 911 and the father was arrested, booked on 3rd degree felonious child abuse.

First, I see that it’s a pretty wild story, but I have two teenaged children and while I would never curse at them, let alone throw anything at them, I do find them, on rare occasion, to be so frustrating that I have to restrain myself from any overt display of anger. I’m not condoning the father’s behavior, but I can see it from my place in line.

Second, he stands charged with felonious child abuse for throwing a slice of pizza at her. Is this incident one that you would view as abuse? Again, I am strongly opposed to violence in any form and am a fervent defender of children. But when does assault become abuse? Is all assault abuse when it is against a minor? Do you agree with the charge? Is this an effective message to send to the general public as a way of warding off future abusers? Or is the child in question taking advantage of the system in order to get back at her parent for the perceived injustice that he has wrought?

Please, comment here – I am earnest in my search for opinion on this topic. I haven’t decided where I stand on this and would love to hear what you have to say. Thanks!

by Stu Mark

Just Say No, Thank You

pills and a finger with a death face magic markered on itWhen my kids were in the early stages of elementary school, they were immersed in the D.A.R.E program (Drug Abuse Resistance Education). At first this seemed a good idea, something I supported heartily. But after a while I became hip to the D.A.R.E. tagline, “Just Say No.” … It just didn’t sit well with me.

At first, I focused on the semantic issue, that the instruction was impolite, that they should have been teaching the kids to say “Just Say No, Thank You,” instead of the harsher, more strident, “Just Say No!”

But that belied a deeper issue for me, that they were failing to keep kids away from dangerous substances. Their hearts were in the right place, but the adults who came up with D.A.R.E. were not overly connected to how kids deal with instructions or education. Kids don’t want to be told what to do, they don’t want to be issued a command, and they certainly don’t respond well to a lack of civility.

So when my kids got home one day, I taught them about “Just Say No, Thank You.” And they smiled and they opened up to a genuine discussion about drug abuse and addiction and dangerous chemicals and human physiology.

Their openness led me to a grander parenting scheme: When I saw that they responded better to civility and gentle guidance than they did to strident instruction, I decided that openly supporting and respecting their free will was next. And that’s exactly what I did. I slowly stopped saying “Sorry, but no,” and instead, started saying, “Well, I wouldn’t, and here’s why, but if you want to, well, that’s your choice and I respect you either way.”

I’m not kidding, it really worked. They loved it and they took to it like a duck takes to bread crumbs. And, surprisingly, they chose the option I recommended some 95% of the time, and they did it with good humor and a sense of earnestness and confidence.

And today, many years later, they’re none the worse for wear. They’ve made solid decisions, thoughtful decisions, and they are proud of themselves for having had the courage and the brains to make these decisions without the needed parental crutch.

Now I’m not sayin’ that this is the way you should parent your kids. But I will say that it might be something to consider.

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by bayat, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved